If you could pick one song to be your theme song of your life what would it be? Currently I swear I could use at least 15 songs lol. But right now in this moment. It is “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten.
These last few months have been nothing short of a roller-coaster and what these last few months have taught me is for me to settle my ass down and take time for myself. I am not used to doing that. I’m like the damn energizer bunny to everyone else and then by the time I get to my needs I am completely empty and just stay empty. When I sit and think about EVERYTHING that has happened over these last few years of my sobriety I get sad because each time I come to the conclusion that I don’t know what the hell I want out of life and even worse I don’t know who I am as a person anymore. I’ve been so consumed with molding myself to everyone else’s expectations that I have no clue who the hell Antoinette is. Every one tells me that I need to take time for myself and do my own self care. I’ve bought books, calenders, affirmation cards thinking that the answer would be in one of those items. And you know what. I didn’t find one damn answer for anything in those items that I bought.
What I did find though. Is that I’ll be damned if I continue to live my life under everyone else’s thumb. Family, friends, colleges everyone. I am always so worried about what people would think of me in situations that would not benefit them or make them feel uncomfortable. But do they even care about my feelings during it all? Most likely not. I don’t know why I am scared to just say fuck it and do what I want to do because everyone else does. And honestly I don’t know what I would even do lol. Start over, go back to school, become an actual example of you can be whatever you want to be to my kids. I preach that to them every single day because they are my heart and soul and they definitely can do whatever they want to if they put their mind to it. So why can’t their mama do it lol? I don’t know how else to live life other than how I am now and its sure as shit not making me happy. I want to wake up without constantly feeling like I have to be everyone’s people pleaser because I don’t want them to be mad at me or feel like I don’t love them. But for a fact I still will do what I can for my family and friends. I just have to do it my own way. What that is, hell if I know. I have done so many things to protect my family and friends that I don’t even know how I did half of it. But something my older brother Kyle told me has been stuck in my head and I know what I need to do. He told me “Remember who the fuck you are because you’re a boss” (love you biggie brother)
Welp… Boss bitch it is then! What ever happens after this is god leading me down a path I need to be on for myself and no one else
“This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me”
Fight Song- Rachel Platten