Just like every other millennial right now Adele’s new song “Easy on me” got me all in my feels. It is astonishing how one person with one song can bring up memories and feelings that have been suppressed for so long. This song is living rent free in my spirit because a lot of what she sings about in that song rings true to my life. Like she is personally singing to me (I know she’s not but you know what I mean lol)
To make a starting point to why this song makes me feel like crawling in the fetal position is that I have never really been “on my own” let alone “felt the world around me”. I lived with my dad until graduating high school, went off to college where my roommate was my brothers now wife and after graduating I moved in with my boyfriend from high school. 2 long years later we broke up. It was not a good break up. Do I hate him? No, But definitely no loved lost but whatever he’s doing I hope he’s has the day he deserves. 3 weeks after that I met my now husband Jason. A mutual friend of ours set us up and when we first started talking during the “myspace days” I made him in my top 8 (you had to be there lol). We instantly started dating and after about 5-6 months I called it off. I felt like I needed to find out who I was because I had no clue. I was 20 years old. Who the hell knows who they are at 20. So a friend and I moved to Erie because that’s where our best friend lived at. And let me tell you. That was by far one of the best years of my life. I made so many new friends there, so many memories. It definitely was a pivotal time in my life.
Six months into living in Erie, Jason and I ended up getting back together. I ended up getting pregnant with our son Jackson. Which was a blessing since because from JR year of high school I was told I couldn’t have kids due to having endometrioses. So to say it was a shock was a huge understatement. But boy was I thrilled. Scared… But thrilled. I ended up moving back home to Indiana and moved in with Jason and so started our life together. Almost 2 years later we got married. Being married and having 1 kid it felt like life went from fun and games to exhaustion and solitude. My depression started to creep back up and that is when I started to drink more. Not a lot. Just a glass or two after work just to calm my nerves. It seemed like life was just passing by and it was like I blinked and then I was pregnant with our daughter (3 1/2 years after our son) so emotions on full drive. Working full time with a 3 year old son who has some special needs. Life was hard. But we made it work. But then an incident occurred where I completely lost who I was as a person. Infidelity… When a spouse has an affair it can literally destroy you. For whatever factor it makes you question who you are as a person and why you weren’t good enough. I lost my entire self. I was so hurt that I wanted him to hurt as well. 2 wrongs don’t make a right but I was slowly self destructing. I just did not care about myself anymore because I had no clue who I was anymore.
Fast forward some years and I had my life changing breakdown. To this day I am very thankful for that. God knew I needed to settle my ass down and sure as hell he sat me down. So this new chapter in my life has me wanting to try new things, find my calling. But more importantly find my self again. Not for anyone but for myself. I can’t tell my kids to do what makes them happy and live up to their potential if I’m not doing the same. So thanks to Adele and her soul searching words I have now made myself a priority. I am TIRED of living by everyone else’s standards. Take me as I am or leave me where I am. It’s never to later “feel the world around you”
*** I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO THIS SONG***
**MUCH LOVE ❤ **
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